Moronic retail in mid air

One of the most amusing inventions to have found a place inside budget airlines of our times is the In-Flight Shopping Mall booklet. Every seat pocket contains apart from the safety instructions pamphlet and the in-flight magazine (these days containing articles fiercely running for that widely coveted prize called 'The Worst Travel Writing in the History of Mankind') a 16-page brochure listing down about two dozen extremely pointless items targeted towards abject morons. Passengers, all of whom obviously have an IQ of minus 150, are expected to marvel at the dull objects and be thrust towards indulging in the act of birdbrained retail 30,000 feet above sea level. As I perused through the brochure, I could not help but run through a few of them and examine their utility to mankind.

The Digital Musical Photo Frame is 'the most upto date way to store your photos. It's 7" screen allows perfect viewing while pleasant music plays in the background. Stand out from your friend's with this advance photo frame.' Must we mention that using this photo frame renders severe punctuational retardedness in you? Anyhow, the manufacturers of this musical photo frame have in a very focused manner targeted the shy and strong silent type people amongst us who while showing photographs of their childhoods or vacations to friends have nothing much really to say or narrate and consequently must break the awkward silence by playing music from the photo frame. I can imagine people sitting in the flight gasping in awe at the booklet and exclaiming, "Finally it is here! Music playing from where it always should have been - a fucking photo frame!"

Let us investigate the 'Bite Relief' gadget now, which is a palm-sized plastic object with a pointy rounded probe at one end and a button at the other and looks like one of those tops that when rolled on the floor emits light in various colors. The 'Bite Relief' gadget promises (and I quote verbatim) 'instant relief from mosquito bite. This genius gadget, relieve pain irritation when applied to effected area, simply click once and feel the pain disappear.' This contraption is unquestionably a boon for all masochists who love getting bitten by mosquitoes in order to use this gadget rather than use any one of the various kinds of repellants. If I were the owner of the company that manufactures this innovative gadget, I would serve this niche market of non-believers of 'prevention-is-better-than-ecstatical-scratching' better by also producing an electric mosquito that will first bite the skin so that the pathbreaking 'Bite Relief' can be used.

Among other whatsits that the In-Flight Shopping Mall booklet attempts selling to the nincompoops amongst us are nylon travel belts that cost Rs 960 and rucsacs that cost Rs 575. According to the creators, people who can afford travel belts worth Rs 960 will buy cheaper rucsacs. This must clearly be that emerging segment of customers who like to buy Rs 20,000 ice-cube trays that they will use in Rs 10,000 refridgerators.